Terrify the Dark

It’s hard to believe one year ago I was in Washington D.C., crying in my carpet; my propensity to control my environment exacerbating my frustration and helplessness. It was the height of the pandemic, the Bureau ahem… I mean… “Frank”…. had broken my heart with the news I could no longer be a Special Agent, after one year in the application process and after passing all the grueling exams… it was over, just like that. There I was without a Plan B, trying to find a job in the middle of a global pandemic that shut down the world, crying in my thick carpet so my roommate wouldn’t hear.

If you would have told me, in that moment, that in one year from now I would be living in Texas, working as a Manager for my dream organization the American Red Cross, with a puppy and a new car and a loving boyfriend, I would have laughed in disbelief the way Sarah did when the angels told her that she and Abraham would have a son in their old age. How life can change in the course of a year. I know for a fact that God has a sense of humor.

I haven’t told many people this story, but while I was frantically applying for jobs last Spring, my dad called me one day and said: “Sissy, when I was out walking and praying for you, the Lord gave me a vision of a Red Cross.” Competition was fierce, especially in the middle of a pandemic where so many people were without work, and I was losing hope. But my dad had faith in his vision that he believed was from the Lord. I’ll never forget the moment I got the call. I remember where I was sitting, the time of day, and everything about that moment.

Feeling depleted and alone, I had left D.C. for a week to stay with my parents in California to recharge and just be in their presence. I was sitting on the bed in my parents’ guestroom when my phone rang. It was an unknown number with a Texas area code. I immediately leaped out of bed, ran to the living where my dad was on the couch and screamed, “DAD! Someone from Texas is calling me!” Sure enough, it was the man who is my current boss, asking for one final interview with the higher-ups for the Program Manager position in Fort Worth, Texas. After my 4th and final interview, he told me I would be hearing back within one week with the results. It was, in fact, exactly 4 hours after that interview that they offered me the job. I fell to my knees in tears and thanked God, who knew all along I was not supposed to be in the Bureau. Surrounded by fear and uncertainty up to that point…He terrified the dark. That’s been God’s miracle time and time again in my life – terrifying my darkness until nothing but His light breaks through.

At the end of the day, I had four job offers for management positions right around the same time: Department of Homeland Security, Peace Corps, American Red Cross, and my local church in D.C. Everyone thought I was going to take the Peace Corps Headquarters job, given my affinity for the organization. DHS offered me almost double of what the Red Cross offered, but in my heart I knew I wouldn’t be happy there. I knew it was time to leave D.C.

Looking back on this past year, I am overwhelmed by God’s relentless pursuit of my heart, His goodness to such an undeserving subject, and that He was right there with me in the midst of the darkness and storms of 2020. It also makes me laugh. Like Sarah. I wonder if Zechariah laughed when he was finally able to speak again. Or Mary, when Gabriel told her she would give birth to the Most High. Did the widow laugh when Elijah told her flour and oil would never run dry? Did Joshua laugh when the walls of Jericho fell? Did Martha laugh when she saw her brother walk out of that tomb? I wonder if God ever giggles to himself watching us drive ourselves crazy with worry, while all the while He knows He’s going to turn the outcome for our good…and we just need to be still.

Until next time my dear readers,

Stephanie